This is a great post, thanks for taking the time to write so honestly and thoughtfully.
I don't pretend to have an answer to the debate but I think the discussion is hindered by its breadth. By centering the discussion around the sex of the person it focuses our attention on biology when, it seems to me, the debate is about culture. Corporate culture to be exact.
I've worked with men who have many of the emotional traits that are described as "feminine" and they were challenged with many of the same issues of career advancement and recognition that some women are. I've also worked with women who were hyper-demanding and aggressively focused on career growth who found success. I think it's important that the conversation include a focus on shifting corporate culture to be inclusive of an attitudinal spectrum and not be single-minded driven by performance and winning.
When the debate is about how half the population is treated at the hands of the other half, we lose sight of the true individuality that exists within each sex. For many men and women this forces us into a camp of us vs them. This effect is worsened when generalizations are used to describe the lowest common denominator stereotype of both men and women. The debate becomes about "emotional" vs "aggressive".
That's a lose lose for everyone. There is no us vs. them ... we're humans. We all have the same chemistry running through brains us just in different measures. We should not lose sight that it is culture that creates the divide. Yes, that cultural divide uses terms of male and female but making it a biological debate of men & women obfuscates real issue and belies the emotional spectrum that is humanity.
A good examples is the Myers-Briggs test, a popular test used in corporate America that helps group skillsets and define what kind of person you are to work with. It's based on an exhaustive study of personalities and how we, as people interface with the world. It breaks these down in a 4-letter code that represents attributes of who you are. When you look at this test in the context of the feminist debate you should notice one thing. There is no indicator for male or female. Why? because in all the research done to define personality types, sex did not play a large enough role in defining who a person is.